my inner emotions...

I haven’t done this in a while, but sometime you just need to release…

I am beyond sick and tired of being mistreated by people. I go on day to day holding my mule, and all the while I’m getting used and disrespected. I’m soooo tired of just about EVERYONE and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. The one person I can actually talk to couldn’t even begin to understand which sucks, but that’s life. Honestly I just need to relocate and get away from everyone; a fresh start will be the greatest thing right now.

What makes it worst is my birthday is literally in 48 hours and I don’t even care about it anymore… : /

Aight it has been a while, so I have to update yall a little. First off let me say that my relationship with God has improved drastically. Now I know you’re thinking *you go to church every other day how could it possibly get any better?* Welp I’ll tell you how, I’m a minister in training now !!! Preaching is definitely in my blood, cause I come from a very long line of pastors, deacons, deaconess, and even a bishop (R.I.P. granddaddy bishop Joshua Edwards), but I was shocked to be called to the ministry. Welp when the Lord calls you have no choice, but to answer..

Anywho as far as a relationship title I am STILL very single, but I have a mutual agreement with someone. Someone I’m extremely close to actually; we’ve decided to date each other, only when the time is right. I guess I’m spoken for because it’ll definitely be a long term relationship we’re just allowing each other to get the “whoring” out of our system first lol.. anyway I’ll keep you posted on that

^___^

*deep sigh*

Let me start by saying I am not nor have a ever been a man hating type female. I love guys no matter how messed up majority of you are…

Now that I have that out of the way I just feel the need to vent about how absolutely EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED I am ! I’ve dealt with abuse mentally, physically, emotionally and survived it. I’ve dealt with a miscarriage, major depression, suicidal thoughts and survived it. I’ve even dealt with settling for less than what I deserve and having my life threatened DAILY, but one thing I refuse to ever deal with again is being lied to..

You ever have so many guards up that you began to get comfortable alone? Ever felt comfort in just being happy with yourself? Ever vision yourself never getting married, having children, and being happy with that cat/puppy? Well I have and I was perfectly fine with how my lonely, uneventful, boring, CELIBATE, life was until this guy came. We weren’t a couple, but foolishly I slowly allow my guarded walls to come down. I then begin to show emotions that I never thought I would feel again, and from what I was told it was mutual….

My moma always told me “everything that glitters ain’t gold, and you can’t keep up a mask too long after Halloween”. I use to be so confused about that Halloween statement until I realized the front that was being tossed right in front of my very eyes (here we go again right?) WRONG ! I refuse to be lied to again, refuse to settle for second best, refuse to allow a man to emotionally leave me empty again, and I refuse to let down my guard…

I know it’s not fair to the next man to pay for what the ex man did, but I love too hard too fast to just open up to anyone again. I don’t think I can take another heart break, so goodbye LOVE we’ve had good times but unfortunately the bad times outweighed the good..

I’ll never say never but I doubt I will open my heart to another person again… *sighs and wipes tears* only God knows.. :’(

Confession: My eyes tell a story… I may appear to have it all together on the outside, but you can look in my eyes and see my worries. I use to hate it growing up because my mom would always know when something was wrong or if I wasn’t being truthful, but I’ve grown to accept the fact that my eyes hold the truth…

There comes a time in life when you have to put your pride aside and express your emotions, because your pride may be the reason you end up alone and unhappy.

Just some words of wisdom..

I’m just about over being 100% dedicated to singing and the musician not showing up to rehearsals or not taking it seriously. Especially since I’m VOLUNTEER to do it while they are the “paid professional” ! Ugh I try not to think so negatively about something I feel so passionate about, but I’m getting to my breaking point. Once I hit my breaking point I either: say forget everything and walk away, or I spazz out and look like the bad person in the situation… I’m just fed up with everything I have to go through with this musician (let’s not forget the “PAID professional”).

Look in my eyes I bet you’ll see the saddest girl; loneliest human being. She use to get drunk and smoke weed just to hide all her misery. She’s not yet comfortable with her insecurities, but on the outside she’s as happy as can be. Look in my eyes can you see my hurt and despair, maybe all the lies and pain from people who never cared? She walks around with a block upon her shoulder and her heart is as cold as ice. She’ll look you dead in your face and pretend everything is alright. Deep down she’s drowning; slowly dying. Waiting for her savior while she’s silently crying. Look me in my eyes if only you dare. Do you think you can handle all of her hurt and despair? She’s not comfortable with who she is inside or out, but she’s waiting for someone to help her get this all out. She is me; I am her; we are one. The saddest girl you’ll ever see; she desperately lives inside of me.

Growing up I was taught that ‘ladies’ don’t discuss sex. That it’s something that should stay inside of the bedroom, but as I got older I realized i’m grown and mature enough to feel comfortable talking about sex. Anyway i’m having one of my many ‘sexual thoughts’, so here it goes…

Your lips; I want to taste
As you begin to stare me in my face
Your tongue; I yern to feel
Your body is my thrill
I want you to make me cum before you even penetrate
I want to feel your erection as you give my body a taste
I can’t wait
I’ve wanted this for too long
The chemistry between us is way too strong
You softly bite my nipples as my body starts to quiver
You stick your dick inside as it begin to get even bigger
I roughly scratch your back as you bite my neck
We both came so hard I know we would never forget
No regrets
This sexual experience was long overdue
I’m just glad I got to share it with you

Noone is perfect not even close to it, but who are we to judge? I myself looked in the mirror one day and asked myself the same question. You may see a single young girl who has about 4 children with no father around; first thought is, she’s a hoe. But we don’t know her story, know nothing about her past. You may see a homeless man; first thought he’s probably on drugs, not knowing that he lost everything he had in a house fire. This generation is so quick to judge, but slow to reach out and help. The next time you see that young girl ask her if she needs help carrying a bag, or buy that homeless man a sandwich instead of looking down on him. One thing my mother use to always say “you’re life isn’t over, and you never know who you may need down the road”. That same person you talked about, laughed at, criticized, and judged may be the one person that is there for you in your time of need. And that same person that you helped could end up being a blessing to you when you need them. We need to open our eyes and stop looking at what’s on the outside, because it’s what’s on the inside that matters the most. The next time you make a judgmental statement ask yourself “i wonder what happened to them before they got to this point”. Instead of pointing a finger get to know them…. Everyone has a story you never know who you can relate to.

http://youtu.be/K0jdAI8eSv4

dosesofanxiety:

its like i have a hard time expressing myself
so i don’t want to be open
not to my blog
not to people
but im super open in complacent in my mind

i feel selfish keeping my thoughts to myself sometimes

but when i feel like expressing
i guess
i will when the time happens

As the year comes to an end I always take this time to think about when it began. What have I done differently if anything at all? You see some people live life day to day without a care in the world, but I make an effort to make positive changes. My life has never been easy, but I continue to smile. The joy I have may brighten someone’s day. As I sit and think about 2012 and all the wrong i’ve done i begin to wonder where have i gone wrong? I got so wrapped up in my problems that I couldn’t see what truly made me happy (besides singing). People; the smiles on their faces, the love in their eyes, the song in their hearts, the pain being drifted from their minds. I love to see other’s happy, and I will continue to bring joy to their lives even if it’s from a simple smile : )

P.S.

This is random and has nothing to do with this post, but i’m still celibate WOOOT !

Ok bye.

You say i’m crazy , but I feel that I need you. To feel your skin up against mine it’ll be so beautiful. You can’t read my mind, but i shouldn’t have to explain. Not feeling your touch causes so much pain. This isn’t love just lust you can see it in my eyes. I miss the way your head feels in between my thighs. You rise as I reach my peak that’s a sign for me to do my thing. I kiss you softly then I slowly move down your chest. Your heart is pacing and you can’t keep a steady breath as I go lower leaving wet traces. I look you in the face then realize you aren’t there. It was just my imagination once again. I need to feel, you inside of me again; your tongue, make me cream….. I hate the fact that it only happened in my dreams.

I use to believe in love. Meeting someone, getting to know them, falling head over hills for them, and living happily ever after…. Sadly reality struck and made me realize that the fairy tale love story I’ve been waiting for never existed. I use to believe in love, but that belief came crashing down the moment I fall in love. I never knew that your heart could feel so much pain until I experienced heartbreak. I use to believe in love, and I still want to but i’ll also accept the fact that love doesn’t happen for everyone. I use to believe in love now I don’t know what to believe. All of the hardships, heartbreak, and headaches may be too much for me to endure. How can i open that door to even trust anymore. I want to; I deserve to, but it’s difficult for me. To start all over hoping, wishing, dreaming for just one thing; love. I use to believe in love…….. Hopefully it’s not too late for me to experience real love and the joy that comes with it.

When you look at me what exactly do you see? Do you see a hardcore girl that holds it all together? Or maybe you see a young woman who has been through more hurt that her heart can handle. Do you see a daughter, sister, aunt, or mother? Yes, a mother that never got to experience labor pains. A mother that never heard her child cry, but felt their pain. A mother whos child was never physically here, but they were still here. Do you see the pain in my eyes, or do you seem to ignore it ? When you look at me what exactly do you see? Do you see an evil, cold hearted, bitter bitch? Or can you see that young woman that had to fight for her life? A woman that was disrespected in more ways than one. A young woman that fell in love with the man that caused her bodily harm. She’s a whore cause she wont settle down, a bitch because she defends herself, bitter because she finds it hard to just ‘forgive and forget’. She’s judged by the ones closer to her because through all of this pain she hasn’t showed a sign of weakness… She is me , so again i ask what exactly do you see? I dont want nor do i need your sympathy, but before you judge take a look at me, and tell me what do you see..